On the list of universal truths about myself, the fact that I’m a nerd is near the top.  However, from time to time I try to bolster my self-esteem and tell myself that I’m not nearly as big a nerd as I think I am.  Then I rewatch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all that gets shot to hell.

Spurred on by the reports that Michael Bay is planning to destroy reboot the Ninja Turtles (apparently he won’t stop until all of our childhoods lie in a flaming wreckage) I took it upon myself to rewatch the first Turtles movie this weekend (not that I need that much of an excuse).  And oh, how undeniable my nerdiness became!

At least give me a little credit, I was born in the 80′s, I basically grew up with the Ninja Turtles, so if there is a movie that I feel I’m entitled to completely geek out over, it’s this one.  But man do I geek out hard.  It boils down to this, I can quote roughly 96% of the movie… which I did… aloud… by myself… ladies.

I’d feel less ridiculous about the whole scenario if I was just quoting the funny lines, such as:

“Wise Man say, ‘Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.’”

“Good thing these guys aren’t lumberjacks!”  “No joke! The only thing safe in the woods… would be the trees!”

“Hey Donnie! Looks like these guys are suffering from shell-shock!”  “Too derivative.”  “Boy, these guys can really shell it out!”  “Too cliche.”  “Well, it was a shell of a good hit!”  “I like it! Step up!”

“Awesome!”  “Radical!”  “Bossa-nova!”  “Bossa-nova?”  “Chevy Nova?”  “Mmm.”  “Excellent!”

“Looks like you guys are studying the abridged book of ninja fighting.”

“Ninja kick the damn rabbit!”

“Cricket?! Nobody understands Cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is before you can understand Cricket!”

“Well, this is like meditating!”

“Gosh… it’s kinda like… Moonlighting… isn’t it?”

“A Jose Canseco bat?! Tell me you didn’t pay money for this?”

“Why don’t I ever dream of Harrison Ford?”

“You’re a claustrophobic!”  “You wanna fist in the mouth? I never even looked at another guy.”

“You fight well in the old style, but now you face… The Shredder!”  “The Shredder?”  “Maybe all that hardware’s for making coleslaw.”

 

But no!  I quote the completely arbitrary dialogue as well.  The exchange between April and Charles about Danny’s behavior is not exactly memorable, and yet, there I was, going right along with it, wondering aloud just where in the hell Danny got those headphones.

And there’s also the dramatic parts.  Slightly more fun to quote (and made more fun by the fact that, yes, I do the voices as well):

“Where’s Splinter?”  “Ah, the rat! So it has a name… it had a name!”  “You lie!”  “Do I?!”  “AAAAAARGH!!!”  (Leo attacks, Shredder throws him to the ground) “He dies! Weapons!” (Turtles throw weapons) “Ha ha ha! Fools! The three of you may have overpowered me with the loss of but one… now your fate… will be his!”  “NOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

I could continue… I won’t, but I could.  I am left with the conclusion that I should never, ever watch Ninja Turtles with anybody.  At least not with anyone who hasn’t also seen it 50 times. 

So what did we prove here today?  Anything?  I’m a geek, although that didn’t need further proof.  I will use any excuse to throw a bunch of random Ninja Turtles quotes into the ether.  That didn’t need proof, either.  Really there’s only one thing that seems to have been confirmed, Michael Bay hates you.  We’ve had our suspicions, but at least now we know for sure.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture

It seemed like a perfect joke: a MacGruber movie.  It’s way too ridiculous an idea to be considered as anything but a prank that just went too far.  I imagine the idea started as a joke within the offices at SNL, like “Hey, wouldn’t this be ridiculous? Ha ha ha.”  Perhaps someone had the idea to make a trailer to run as a segment on SNL itself.  Who knows?  But whatever the case, the wheels obviously kept on spinning and lo, MacGruber the movie sprang into being.

And everyone loved it, right?  It shattered the box office… not just the records, the literal box offices were physically damaged due to the sheer over-abundance of people clamoring for tickets to go see MacGruber, right?  Right?!  Oooohh. Yeah, actually it wound up being the ninth worst wide opening of any film… ever.  Which is pretty hilarious.  More hilarious than the movie itself, unfortunately.

The movie isn’t 100% devoid of laughter, but most of the humor is, at best, merely chuckle-worthy, not gut-busting hilarity like the filmmakers clearly thought.  And that’s the key to the movie’s failure, it’s just not all that funny.  It’s amusing, but with a premise and origin that ridiculous, it needed to be wall-to-wall hysterical, and it just is flat-out not.

The best thing about it is the actual filmmaking that went into it.  The movie looks great, and really feels like a typical action movie, but since that is like the fourth-highest priority for a movie like this, it doesn’t do enough to justify its actual existence.

Will Forte stars as the eponymous hero, and he plays it with all the nuance of a 5-year old with a fistful of Pixy Stix.  As the movie starts, he’s been in hiding for a decade, then one day the government comes a-calling to ask him to help fight off nuclear-missile-stealing bad guy Dieter von Cunth (a name that is not as funny as the movie would have you believe, but you have to admire the persistence) played by Val Kilmer (who is, admittedly, playing to his strengths here).  It turns out Dieter (I refuse to use his last name anymore than I have to) killed MacGruber’s wife on their wedding day.  There is an overblown backstory that I won’t go into, but it is, actually, a nice parody of similarly overblown scenes from other action movies.

So Mac enlists a team of heavies to help him fight Dieter, but he accidentally blows them up, forcing him to team up with Ryan Phillipe.  Their bickering provides some of the film’s lightest moments, but again, it’s light humor in a movie that needs big laughs.  Not that it doesn’t try for big laughs, but most of the attempts are terribly misguided and far too reliant on gross-out humor.  If that sounds like your cup of tea, feel free to give it a shot, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

One thing I will say in favor of MacGruber, it is the best SNL movie since Wayne’s World.  But given that its only real competition in that category is (the soul-sucking) Superstar, (the similarly awful) The Ladies Man, and (the slightly less terrible, but still pretty bad) Coneheads, I wouldn’t really count that as a huge victory (and it’s nowhere near as good as Wayne’s World, if that was unclear).

I wanted to like MacGruber, I did.  The trailer seemed promising.  And the idea sounded ridiculous enough that it just might work.  But in the end, they wound up with a movie that is nowhere near as funny as it needed to be.  You may sarcastically gasp now.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture

Comedy (like all things) is subjective.  I find some things funny that you may not and vice versa.  It’s the nature of the beast that not everyone can find everything funny.  But if you could sit through Conan O’Brien’s live show and not laugh, you should see a doctor because you probably died sometime last week.

Conan is on tour right now, and last night he played the Orpheum Theatre in Minneapolis and yours truly was fortunate enough to obtain a couple tickets.  Before the show even started you could tell that this was going to be a laidback, youth-oriented show.  The merch table had a sign requesting the use of a specific hashtag if you were going to be tweeting and the posted rule about no photography was clearly not being enforced.

The show began with opener Reggie Watts who has a very funny act that makes excellent use of a loop sampler and gibberish.  Most of the comprehensible language he used was not of the sort that I’m allowed to use in this blog, so I’ll sum up his act with one phrase: get your flapjack on.

After a brief interlude the meat of the show got underway with a couple numbers from the Legally Prohibited Band (basically the lineup of the Max Weinberg 7 whenever Max was on tour with Springsteen).  We got two songs, one sung by LaBamba, one by Mark Pender, both of whom have shockingly great voices (we’ve heard Pender, but LaBamba was a surprise).

We were then treated to a video that showed what exactly Conan has been up to since he lost his show (getting fat and passing out on trampolines), and then it was time.  Conan O’Brien in person.  I could have reached out and touched him (if my arms were about a thousand feet long).  It will probably go down as one of the defining moments of my life (I don’t care how sad that sounds) for I love Conan!

You could definitely tell that the affection he has been receiving on the road has touched him deeply, but it was also obvious that all of his jokes about wanting to get back on TV were coming from someplace very real inside of him.  But for all the bitterness that most people feel he’s entitled to, he was actually very restrained when it came to badmouthing the others involved in the Tonight Show Shuffle (outside of a video wherein he played a ruthless network executive who, for legal reasons, went unnamed).

From there it was just a brilliant evening of madcap hilarity.  Andy Richter was there to act as Conan’s sidekick (and to provide insight on that greatest of Minneapolis institutions: The Juicy Lucy).  Former Tonight Show writer Deon Cole did some standup that proved amusing, the jokes weren’t great, but that was kind of the point, lets leave it at that.

The show also featured some visits from Late Night favorites including Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear (the latter of which required a change in name and physical appearance, he’s now the Self-Pleasuring Panda).  Conan did a lot of new material but he recycled one bit that disappointed noone: the Walker, Texas Ranger Lever!  We got five good pulls that, of course, ended with Haley Joel Osment providing the phrase internet memes are made of, “Walker told me I have AIDS.”

Surprise guests have been a regular thing on the tour so far, I heard Pearl Jam (or at least Eddie Vedder) performed in Seattle, Jim Carrey has shown up, Hanson made an appearance, and as we were driving into the cities we were speculating about who it might be (Prince was suggested, but deemed unlikely, Al Franken was also proposed), we were wrong on all fronts, for the special guest at last night’s show turned out to be none other than Brian freakin’ Setzer(!) who wasted no time before diving into a blazing rendition of ‘Rock This Town’ with Conan accompanying on guitar.

The whole evening (along with every other stop on the tour, probably) stands as proof of Conan’s fans undying affection for him.  I think everyone would have preferred him to be allowed to keep the Tonight Show, but if he had, none of us would have had the opportunity to see Conan O’Brien decked out in the purple, leather jumpsuit from Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture

Sequelitis.  Blessing?  Curse?  Made-up word?  Whatever the case may be, sequels almost always tend to be bigger, but almost never better.  For every Dark Knight there are about fifty Revenges of the Fallen.  But occasionally you get a sequel that is definitely bigger, not necessarily better, but certainly not bad.  And this, I am glad to tell you, is absolutely the case with Iron Man 2.

Is it a little bloated?  Sure.  Does it have the same whiz-bang effect of the first one?  Not really.  Is it as fun?  No.  But that’s deliberate.  We’re dealing with one of Tony Stark’s darker periods.  He’s feeling pressure from the government to turn over his suit.  He’s dealing with other companies trying to replicate his suit.  He’s in a narcissistic nose-dive that is threatening to destroy his personal and professional life.  Oh, and he’s dying; turns out the arc reactor in his chest is poisoning his blood.  No, it’s not as fun, but that’s also precisely the point.

The layout of the story is certainly different from its predecessor’s as well.  Whereas the first Iron Man spent roughly the first half of its runtime as an origin story with the villain plot shoehorned into the finale, its sequel jumps right in with a brief recap of the press conference from the end of the last film, followed by an extended introduction to a menacing Mickey Rourke as a Russian with more than his share of knowledge of Stark Industry designs (specifically that reactor; i.e. the source of Iron Man’s power).

From there we get a lot of Robert Downey Jr. at his egotistical best.  He’s cocky, he’s self-assured, he’s full of himself, he’s… actually those all mean the same thing.  It’s the type of characterization that could easily become grating in the wrong hands, but it falls well within Downey Jr.’s wheelhouse.  Couple that with the fact that he is clearly having a ball doing it, and you’re left with a character that you could watch eat a donut and you’d be entertained (literally… it’s in the movie).

Elsewhere you’ve got Don Cheadle proving to be an able replacement for Terrence Howard as James “Rhodey” Rhodes.  If the character had been given more to do in the first movie my opinion might be different, but as it stands the change proved to be relatively unjarring.  Another new addition to the cast is Scarlett Johansson who for the most part is there to look good in low-cut dresses until the end when she is finally given something to do, and boy does she do it well (“it” being beat the ever-loving crap out of twenty henchmen).

It’s all irrelevant, though.  This could have been a terrible movie and I still would have enjoyed it, because a) it already features Robert Downey Jr. being, basically, Robert Downey Jr. and 2) it invokes a theory that I personally hold very dear, the more Sam Rockwell the better.  That’s right, Sam Rockwell shows up as a rival weapons manufacturer who is clearly more smarmy, yet not nearly as intelligent as Tony Stark.  And that right there insured that I was absolutely going to enjoy the heck out of this movie.

And I did.  And so will you (probably).  It might not be as good as the first Iron Man, but that movie didn’t have Sam Rockwell, so there!

P.S. Stick around after the credits.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture

As I have mentioned before I am currently in the process of trying to view all of the films on both of AFI’s Top 100 Films of All Time lists. I’ve made a lot of headway (I’m down to 7), but I have recently hit a major setback, one of the films I have left to see, Wuthering Heights (1939), is not currently available on DVD, and since I am sans VCR and don’t generally support illegal downloading, I think I may find myself stuck with one film left for an annoyingly long time. And that kind of sucks.

But that doesn’t diminish the value of the rest of the films, and this is what I came here to discuss today. As I mentioned, I only have 7 left so this project is winding down rapidly, and I cannot express enough how amazing this has been for me. There are still a LOT of films I have to see, but this, if nothing else, has led me to films I have not, or would not have seen otherwise.

Thoughts on some of the films:

King Kong: I don’t think anybody has never seen any clips from this film, but those clips do not do it justice.  Those clips, when viewed out of context, just make it look like a showcase for some not terribly impressive (by today’s standards) visual effects.  What they don’t convey is the incredible adventure that unfolds in the film.  Ultimately the wonky claymation takes a back seat to the amazing story being told.  See it if you haven’t already.

Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?: Amazing dialogue being delivered by a stellar cast makes this a terrifically entertaining (albeit emotionally draining) film.  Elizabeth Taylor (not undeservedly) gets most of the attention for her performance, but Richard Burton is at least as good (if not better).  It’s not the easiest movie to sit through, but it actually has become one of my favorites.

In The Heat Of The Night: This is a film that I have always been aware of, but have always been a little reticent to actually sit down and watch.  I think it has to do with the title.  That title imbues so much physical discomfort, and couple that with the racial issues present in the film, and you’re left with a movie that I have never been in a hurry to experience.  God, I’m stupid.  It is so ridiculously entertaining!  Once again I was left kicking myself for not having seen it sooner.

A Place In The Sun: A film I literally knew absolutely nothing about, except that it starred Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift (which I only gathered from the DVD cover).  I was assuming it was just a romantic drama, and I was, admittedly, not really looking forward to watching it.  But when I did, I found that the film was much darker than I was expecting and it again became a movie that I wound up loving.  I don’t even want to tell you what it’s about in hopes that you’ll have a similar experience.  Just trust me when I say that it is really good.

American Graffiti: This is definitely a film I should have seen already, and I can remember being at the video store looking at it a long time ago, but for one reason or another I didn’t rent it.  The 50′s high school setting reminded me of Porky’s (which is not a good thing), but I was able to get over that and find the heartfelt story of teenage angst to be one that really spoke to me (albeit several years late).  Go figure.

The Best Years Of Our Lives: I share a slight resentment with my sister towards this film.  In my family It’s A Wonderful Life is sacred; any attempt to disparage it could easily lead to fisticuffs (or at least an exagerrated fighting stance that will amount to nothing in the interest of not getting a bloody nose over a movie), and this is where our resentment comes in.  For you see, The Best Years Of Our Lives is the film that beat It’s A Wonderful Life for Best Picture.  And despite how much it pangs me to say this, The Best Years Of Our Lives is an amazing movie.  I can actually see where the Academy was coming from (although Jimmy Stewart should have won Best Actor, that I actually might fight you over).  The story is so meticulously crafted and moving, and even though it feels long, you don’t care, you just want it to keep going and going.

Unforgiven: So good, yet so bleak.  How bleak is it, you say?  Well, when we first meet Clint Eastwood, he has an unsuccessful pig farm, he lives in a shack in the middle of nowhere, his wife is dead, he can barely support his two kids, and he is literally being thrown in the mud… and this is after he has been redeemed from a life of crime and whiskey.  Only by going back to killing can he possibly keep his family afloat.  Sound dreary?  It is.  But with Eastwood’s expert direction, the film doesn’t get bogged down in melodrama (unlike Shane, another entry on the list) and instead becomes a powerful tale of a man doing what he has to to stay alive.

The Manchurian Candidate: A terrific and terrifying thriller that has rightly been called one of the best of all time.  But the most disturbing thing about it, though, is how plausible the whole thing seems.  I know the scenario is highly unlikely, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be more cautious about suggesting games of Solitaire.

Bringing Up Baby: Katharine Hepburn.  Cary Grant.  Howard Hawkes.  Do I actually need to continue?  This is one of the greatest screwball comedies of all time (although for my money, His Girl Friday outdoes it in sheer wit).  There’s an absent-minded heiress, a flustered archaeologist, a dinosaur-clavicle-swiping dog, a couple of leopards (yes, a couple) and everybody winds up in jail.  Brilliant.

There are still so many to discuss, but I think I’ll save that for a later post.  I should be wrapping this project up soon, depending on availability of the remaining films at the library, so I think one more post when it’s all over will be called for.  Until then.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture