On the list of universal truths about myself, the fact that I’m a nerd is near the top.  However, from time to time I try to bolster my self-esteem and tell myself that I’m not nearly as big a nerd as I think I am.  Then I rewatch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all that gets shot to hell.

Spurred on by the reports that Michael Bay is planning to destroy reboot the Ninja Turtles (apparently he won’t stop until all of our childhoods lie in a flaming wreckage) I took it upon myself to rewatch the first Turtles movie this weekend (not that I need that much of an excuse).  And oh, how undeniable my nerdiness became!

At least give me a little credit, I was born in the 80′s, I basically grew up with the Ninja Turtles, so if there is a movie that I feel I’m entitled to completely geek out over, it’s this one.  But man do I geek out hard.  It boils down to this, I can quote roughly 96% of the movie… which I did… aloud… by myself… ladies.

I’d feel less ridiculous about the whole scenario if I was just quoting the funny lines, such as:

“Wise Man say, ‘Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.’”

“Good thing these guys aren’t lumberjacks!”  “No joke! The only thing safe in the woods… would be the trees!”

“Hey Donnie! Looks like these guys are suffering from shell-shock!”  “Too derivative.”  “Boy, these guys can really shell it out!”  “Too cliche.”  “Well, it was a shell of a good hit!”  “I like it! Step up!”

“Awesome!”  “Radical!”  “Bossa-nova!”  “Bossa-nova?”  “Chevy Nova?”  “Mmm.”  “Excellent!”

“Looks like you guys are studying the abridged book of ninja fighting.”

“Ninja kick the damn rabbit!”

“Cricket?! Nobody understands Cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is before you can understand Cricket!”

“Well, this is like meditating!”

“Gosh… it’s kinda like… Moonlighting… isn’t it?”

“A Jose Canseco bat?! Tell me you didn’t pay money for this?”

“Why don’t I ever dream of Harrison Ford?”

“You’re a claustrophobic!”  “You wanna fist in the mouth? I never even looked at another guy.”

“You fight well in the old style, but now you face… The Shredder!”  “The Shredder?”  “Maybe all that hardware’s for making coleslaw.”

 

But no!  I quote the completely arbitrary dialogue as well.  The exchange between April and Charles about Danny’s behavior is not exactly memorable, and yet, there I was, going right along with it, wondering aloud just where in the hell Danny got those headphones.

And there’s also the dramatic parts.  Slightly more fun to quote (and made more fun by the fact that, yes, I do the voices as well):

“Where’s Splinter?”  “Ah, the rat! So it has a name… it had a name!”  “You lie!”  “Do I?!”  “AAAAAARGH!!!”  (Leo attacks, Shredder throws him to the ground) “He dies! Weapons!” (Turtles throw weapons) “Ha ha ha! Fools! The three of you may have overpowered me with the loss of but one… now your fate… will be his!”  “NOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

I could continue… I won’t, but I could.  I am left with the conclusion that I should never, ever watch Ninja Turtles with anybody.  At least not with anyone who hasn’t also seen it 50 times. 

So what did we prove here today?  Anything?  I’m a geek, although that didn’t need further proof.  I will use any excuse to throw a bunch of random Ninja Turtles quotes into the ether.  That didn’t need proof, either.  Really there’s only one thing that seems to have been confirmed, Michael Bay hates you.  We’ve had our suspicions, but at least now we know for sure.

Posted under Kyle's Adventures in Pop Culture